Primeval: New World - a parody I
by bhut
Summary: A parody of P:NW series.


**Primeval: New World – a parody I**

_Disclaimer: none of the characters are mine, but belong to Impossible Pictures__._

-1-

Evan Cross was a man of settled habits. Every morning he walked past the office of Cross Photonics' CFO, even though Angelika Finch had quit, unable to deal with the pressure of being a real-life Pepper Potts, even though Evan made a relatively poor Tony Stark.

"Hello to you, Mr. or Ms. CFO whose name I won't bother to learn," he said casually and went on his way.

"Hello to you too, Mr. Cross!" Natalie, a.k.a. Toby Nance's ex – or not so ex-girlfriend said brightly and continued to do her job: impersonating a CFO of Cross Photonics, since no real financial official would ever come close to Evan's company ever since Angelika Finch had quit and inadvertedly blacklisted Cross Photonics in the financial world. Evan Cross' own financial wisdom, maverick behavior and ever-growing obsession regarding human safety did not help Cross Photonics' situation either. To stave off the wolf of financial bankruptcy and to keep their collective asses and arses of the street, Toby Nance used her computer savvy to have Natalie stand-in for a CFO, especially since, as she told Dylan and Mac, Natalie was actually the one in charge of the group's finances, back when Toby was lingerie model instead. Go Natalie!

"Does she care about rescuing animals?" Dylan asked sternly.

"Sure!" Toby replied, neglecting to tell Dylan about the lovely mink and chinchilla fur coats that Natalie gave her as a sign of their reconciliation: as far as Dylan was concerned it all ended when Toby sent Natalie a solid gold bathtub (paid by Cross Photonics' dwindling finances), period.

Mac, of course, was aware of the coats, but since he ended up in a threesome with Toby and Natalie as part of his payment for keeping quiet (the other part was a jambiya dagger, previously owned by Lawrence of Arabia himself), he already had approved the hiring of Natalie wholeheartedly.

"Splendid!" Dylan replied, fully unaware of the complete intricacy of Toby-Mac-Natalie relationship. "She's hired! And by the way, can she send some cash towards this small number of charities?" And she produced a stack of papers than could bury a daemonosaurus alive.

"Why not?" Toby shrugged. "It's Evan's money, after all!"

And that was that.

-2-

After having walked past his CFO's office and ensuring thus that all was in order, Evan went to do his real job: lead the Cross Photonics time anomaly hunting team against the dinosaurian menace. Or was that simply saurian? Or animalistic? Or prehistoric? Whatever – it was still a menace and he led his team against it. God, but was he good at this job or what? Much better than leading Cross Photonics proper, which actually had been Angelika Finch's unofficial job and now that she was gone – somebody else's.

"Hello Dylan, hello Toby, hello Mac's hologram," he said brightly as he entered the office before pausing and turning to look at Mac. "You are Mac's hologram, made by Toby to soothe the gaping hole in my heart and not Mac proper, who decided to forgive me from the depths of his soul?"

"Nope," Mac said brightly as he heartily slapped Evan on the shoulder. "I'm just a latest version of a hologram, made more realistic day by day by Toby and her computer genius. Before long you will find me leaving cigarette stubs and candy wrappers outside the trashcans and forgetting to flash the loo."

"Aw, just like the real Mac would do!" Evan cried with tears of joy. "Truly, my loyal Toby, your computer knowledge are surpassed only by your devotion to me! Here, have this modest and generous amount of cash as your reward!"

"Wow! Five nickels – a whole quarter! Thank you Evan!" Toby faux-gushed.

"You're welcome! And how are you today, Dylan?" Evan turned to his loyal second-in-command. "Ready to pursuit the elusive time anomaly?"

"Ugh! Yes, I am," Dylan groaned as she got onto her feet, wobbling all over, especially in the stomach area. "Toby and I we got its route mapped out, see?"

"You have? Gosh, thank you, clever Toby, have another penny!"

"You're welcome, Evan," Toby said with barely a twitch: everyone was counting the days until Evan Cross could be safely committed into the clinic for the hopelessly insane and everyone else would just completely bankrupt the remainder of Cross Photonics and flee to a better life somewhere in California or else.

"Anyways, Evan," Dylan quickly got between Toby and Evan, shading the shorter woman with her increasing bulk, "according to today's plan, we'll be going two different routes."

"We are? Gosh! I hate that! This reminds me of the wicked fate that had befallen my poor Brooke and dear Ange," Evan said. "I shudder to think that such a fate should befall another woman on my watch-"

"Don't worry, it won't befall me," Dylan said firmly. "Now go, go, and do your duty!"

"I'm off! Toodleoo!" Evan said cheerfully and was gone.

"Thank goodness that he's gone," Dylan heavily collapsed back onto her seat and vomited.

The reason why Dylan was so out of shape was not because she was lazy and in reality her wildlife knowledge was limited to stray dogs, cats, and an occasional racoon that she met on an occasional field foray in the past, but rather because she was pregnant. Not from Evan, mind you, who loyally kept vigil to his dear dead Brooke and equally dear Ange.

"The Brooke shrine in his place was creepy but tolerable, even if he does think that people are better than animals are," Dylan was later telling Natalie and Toby, "but when he upgraded it to a Brooke-_Ange_ shrine, that's when I knew that no money in the world is going to make me have a relationship with him."

"But this amount of money is just right to make you the surrogate mother of our child?" Toby specified at that time.

"If you allow me some parental rights I'll even give you a discount," Dylan promptly replied and that was settled.

And that was then, this was now, and Dylan was in the middle of her third trimester. "OK, Natalie?" Toby spoke into the cell phone.

"Yeah?"

"How's the stock going?"

"Great! Witchcraft is Friendship stock is diversifying; there is comedy, Twilight drama, Apple family and Pinkie eating muffins! What more can you ask for?"

"You're adorable," Toby replied brightly. "Anyways, it's my turn to take Dylan to the midwife, so you and Mac are both in charge of running Cross Photonics **snort** till we get back, okay?"

"Sure and good luck. If Dylan feels poorly, take her to the hospital right away!"

"No, really?" Toby asked sarcastically and left with Dylan, saluted on their way out by Mac.

-3-

Despite him being a military man, Kenneth Leeds was less a man of routine than Evan Cross was, but Ariana Merryweather still found it surprising that on this day he was not in the office of project Magnet for a change. She found this worrisome and turned on the news to hear if there was some problem elsewhere that his expertise was needed for.

"...And in today's report of Dr. Cemple, the eccentric ex-millionaire Evan Cross continues to be seen all over Vancouver, appearing here, there and everywhere, searching for the illusive time anomaly and the dinosaurs that are supposed to come through it. As his finances dwindle and reputation falls apart, he transforms from a rich eccentric to an insane pauper and will soon be hospitalized. In a new and disturbing development, though, he seems to have acquired several allies or rivals – a group of quasimilitary types that have also began seeking the illusive time anomaly and et cetera. It should be noted though that while Mr. Cross is limiting his quest to the outskirts of our fair city and the like, this group may also be some sort of an RPG maintenance workers, popping up from beneath manhole covers, at the city dumps and the like. Mr. Cross's condition makes him a pitiful figure; those guys are just pathetic and should-"

Click! Ariana Merryweather quickly turned down the volume as Ken Leeds, her superior in RCAF and in project Magnet startled her yet again.

"I see that Douglas is being kept busy and unaware that Hall is currently doing his new tour of duty as an ensign at Whitehorse," the lieutenant said brightly before sitting down, his face dimming once again.

"How's Ms. Finch doing?" the corporal asked, politely, even though she would've been at her happiest to learn that Angelika Finch has dropped off the face of the planet into the deepest abyss or furthest space.

"Ari, stop it," Leeds gave his subordinate a look, reminding her that of the two he was the smarter one. "Ms. Finch has comfortably settled into the status of aged maidenhood, possessing an aged, time-tested piano, a cat that she calls Paper Tiger, and several breeding farms of owl butterflies, tropical longhorn beetles and the like. The modest amount of cash that she possesses from her previous stunt as a CFO and her current occupation as a financial consultant keeps her comfortably afloat in the world of finances-"

"In other words she has severed her ties with Cross Photonics _and_ project Magnet clean," Merryweather nodded sagely. "And Paper Tiger? Really?"

"Yup. He is even unneutered," Leeds sighed sadly. "How much more introvert could you get? Curse you, Evan Cross, for driving such a fine woman into spinsterhood – why are you vexing me so?"

"I have no idea – after all, he's a fired CEO from a puppet company that is going to go bankrupt within 3 to 6 months and you're a full general" Merryweather confessed, "but what I do know is that our family is going to have a boy in a few months. How does Ken Leeds Jr. sound?"

"Excellent! The twins are fine with that, though?"

"They're very happy to be big sisters," Ariana assured Leeds. "Want to go out and celebrate?"

"Do I!"

As the couple left (in the full military dress and regalia, as it was usual), Leeds took another good lock at the project Magnet's time-anomaly-related department. It was still locked with a big lock, as it should have been. Seriously, after marring Ariana and fathering twin girls (and now a boy, it seems), time anomalies could take a hike: whom did they take Ken Leeds for? Evan Cross?

End


End file.
